Have problems with personal relationships? There are always three options to approach problematic relationship.
First, we can choose the easy way, which temporarily numbs the pain or diverts our attention from the problem but does not solve anything. A short-term relief warrants a long-term suffering from pain.
Second, we can choose the hard way, which exposes the wounds and digs out the root of a problem. This option can increase the intensity of current pain level, even to an unbearable level sometimes, but a short-term massive pain guarantees a long-term relief. In some cases, such problem may never come back again.
Third, we can choose to terminate the relationship. Some relationships are toxic. In this case, neither short-term diversion strategy nor “deep dive” can solve it.
Some combinations in the universe are meant to be toxic. Just like when two hydrogen atoms and one oxygen atom come together as one, it becomes water and nurture everything on earth. However, if we add one more oxygen atom to the union, as hydrogen peroxide, it becomes a deadly compound that must be carefully stored and used for specific purposes.
To have healthy relationship, both parties in such bond must be healthy and whole emotionally and spiritually. This means, for example, one person does not depend on the other party to make him/herself feel respected, loved, etc. Tony Robbins established the framework of six human needs, of which certainty and uncertainty are paradoxical, so are significance and love & connection. As he states, any behavior that can meet three needs at the same time becomes addictive. Personal relationship can potentially meet certainty, significance, love & connection at the same time, and even uncertainty sometimes. It is thus a very powerful and potentially addictive behavior. This is also one of the reasons why people are willing to stay in toxic relationships for an extended period of time until the very moment when pain becomes unbearable.
I am blessed to have a very healthy and happy personal relationship. I also know that it is the absolute truth that all relationships need nurturing. You can have a blessed relationship at the very beginning, but if both parties fail to care and nurture it from time to time, it will die just like any garden plant without care.
Speaking from my own experiences, I consider there to be three principles to relationship mastery.
You must know or learn how to take care of yourself and feel comfortable and happy with yourself no matter if you are alone or in a relationship.
You must not have any expectations of how your partner should behave.
You must remember the universal rule that whatever you sow, you shall reap; whatever you give, you shall receive.
In next post, I will elaborate on each principle.
Scott
May 20, 2019
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